I was born vegetarian; I have chosen to stay that way. Over the years I have answered many curious passersby on the hows and whys of it. But now that my daughter is getting the same questions (as in – I am getting sufficiently judged on my efforts to feed her a “decent” meal) I think it’s fair to say I am quite done. No More Q&A necessary. I am compiling an ultimate, final and conclusive list of 9 questions you never need to ask a vegetarian mom again. As much as I love answering these questions over and over again, I do think a definitive list of answers is in order.
1) “Where does your daughter get her protein from?”
I don’t believe in proteins. I am all about malnourishing kids and raising them to become weak adults. Haven’t you seen the other vegetarians walking around like protein-deprived zombies? That’s her in a few years.
2) “Don’t you want her to play sports?”
Sports – without any protein?? Are you kidding me? Who does that to a child?
3) “Is it a religion thing?”
Of course it is. What else could it be? On full moon nights, we sacrifice an entire cabbage at the altar of the vegetarian deity and devour it. Then we do the vegetarian dance, but it doesn’t last very long because – you know – no protein.
4) “Maybe when she sees other kids eating meat she will start eating it too?”
I guess I shot myself in the foot here. Due to lack of protein she will lack self-will and be too weak to make her own choices.
5) “FISH! She can eat fish right?”
I like how you are trying to cling to any shred of hope here that my daughter may be saved, but I am so sorry to disappoint you. Like the shark (Bruce) from Finding Nemo. I repeat to myself every day “Fish are not food. Fish are friends”. This is how I keep my sanity.
6) “She has never tasted it? How is that even possible?”
You got me there. I must tell you this true story: We have meat scattered around the house as a sociological experiment. One day when she was 6 months old she crawled up to the kitchen, grabbed a piece of raw veal that was hanging from the refrigerator door and ate it whole. So there, I admit I am a liar.
7) “So all she eats is salads and veggies?”
Yes she is practically a goat.
8) “What about her birthday cake? Won’t you add any eggs in it?”
Yes I will add eggs, but her vegan friends won’t be able to eat it (more cake for me!).
8B) “But Eggs are living beings too, aren’t they?” Oh goody, the “you are such a hypocrite” part of the conversation; can’t wait!
9) “Don’t you think you should let her decide?”
Aww… you are such a progressive and democratic mommy, such a role model really! I wish I could be more like you!